Zhou Yu and Sima Yi's: How to kill a Zhuge Liang
by TianZhiJiaoZi
Summary: Title says it all! R & R!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything at all.

This was thought up. If you're a Zhuge Liang fan,please don't read.

Prologue: Wei

Sima Zhao was hungry.

Very hungry.

So he went to the nearest shop available after school.

It was a Mantou shop.

He bought a bag and went out. Just then,Lu Su came in.

Lu Su had no choice,really. There was only one mantou shop in the whole kingdom of Wu,and aplenty in Wei. So when the shop was closed for a day he had to go somewhere to eat his usual.

A devoted fan of mantous,you might say.

Little did he know,Zhou Yu was following him.

After going into the mantou shop he sat down. (You would.)

And then when he came in Sima Zhao went out. Just then,Sima Yi walked past the shop with Cao Cao,who was on a home visit.

"Say,"Cao Cao nudged Sima Yi,"is that... Sima Zhao?"

Upon hearing this Sima Yi turned around.

Only to see his son snacking on a steamed,white bun.

At that moment,Zhou Yu dragged Lu Su out of the shop,cursing under his breath.

The two anti-Kongming advocates yelled at the 'offenders' at the same time.

"How many times have I told you NOT to eat such...such things?! Especially by...HIM!"

Lu Su and Sima Zhao cowered in fear.

Zhou Yu and Sima Yi looked at each other.

Only Cao Cao was amused.

Sima Yi invited Zhou Yu to his house without batting an eyelid.

Zhou Yu said,"Tomorrow. I'll have to sort a few things out." He narrowed his eyes at Lu Su,who turned really,really red. (Even though he didn't tell a single lie.)

The two parties departed.

Hmm,Chapter two I hope will be out soon. Please review! :)))


	2. At Sima Yi's place

At Sima Yi's house... (next day,of course!)

"So you are 'allergic' to Zhuge Liang related products too," said Zhou Yu thoughtfully.

"Mm hmmm,"replied Sima Yi.

"If only he disappears all of a sudden..."

"Supposing he does?"

"What? You're saying..." Zhou Yu stared at Sima Yi,who was trying his best to hide a very wicked smile.

"How does he disappears..." continued Zhongda.

Zhou Yu got up.

"Write to me how. Then we'll take turns."

"Ok then."

As Zhou Yu left the house,Sima Yi let out his signature evil laugh.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"


	3. First Death

Dear Zhou Yu,

A brief summary...

The Battle of Chi Bi was the most embarassing battle in the history of Wei. Apparently if it wasn't for the southern winds...well,we COULD have won. How Zhuge Liang dies in this story is of his own doing...

* * *

Zhuge Liang had recently bought an extremely expensive house.

A mansion.(!)

At the yard of the mansion,there was a barbeque pit.

So on the day when they moved in,they decided to have a BBQ dinner out in the open air.

Yueying was burning the charcoal and cooking at the same time.

Zhuge Liang was using his feather fan to fan the flames and flipping pattites at the same time.

"Dear,"complained Yueying,"don't you think it's too hot in here? I can't control the flames!"

"Well,"said Zhuge Liang thoughtfully. "I could borrow the wind like what I did during the battle of Chi Bi..."

He went to his home altar to pray (handy,eh?).

On the final words of the prayer,he accidentally stumbled over the words and pronounced them in different pitches...(the prayer was in chinese...)

A very white-faced husband went back to his wife.

"Well? Have you borrowed the wind?"

"Y-yes.... A different kind of wind."

"What?"

"I mispronounced some words..."

"YOU WHAT?!"

Yueying turned pale.

"Ah,dear,I've borrowed a typhoon instead of a usual breeze..."

* * *

You could guess what happened next. If the typhoon doesn't kill him,debts and angry neighbours will..........

Signed,

Sima Yi


	4. Second death

Dear Sima Yi,

That was a good one. I'm not sure if you would like mine though.

By the way,the _baozi _is also invented by Zhuge Liang. BEWARE!

* * *

Zhuge Liang was in his room one day,reading war books.

Fanning himself as usual like a sissy.

After halfway through reading,the door opened...

And in walked a swan.

Looking at the feather fan,the swan was _thoroughly _shocked.

Zhuge Liang quickly hid the fan behind his back. It was then he realised that the swan,was featherless.

"I want my feathers back," whined the swan. "Or I'll freeze to death!"

"But,"the Sleeping Dragon argued,"It gives me more purpose to use!"

They debated for a day,but neither side would give in.

"Fine,"huffed the swan. " In order to keep us BOTH warm...."

The feathers from Zhuge Liang's feather fan flew out and stuck themselves onto the swan. Out flew other feathers from Zhuge Liang's spare fans and the fans he had endorsed for some company. And all the feathers fitted the swan.

" But you just said..."

"WAIT! Can't you be patient?!" the swan snapped back.

There was one remaining feather.

It flew onto Zhuge Liang's arm,grew on it,and Zhuge Liang found himself transforming...

Into a swan.

"Now,isn't this a win-win situation?" the swan grinned. With that,he disappeared.

Yueying walked in.

"Dear,Meng Huo's here and we don't have any food that could match his appetite---"

Yueying stared at the swan.

Hard.

Just then,Meng Huo came in.

"Ooh,swan! Wonderful! Now,let's get cookin'!"

* * *

Who told him to befriend a barbarian,I'll never know...

Write back soon...

Signed,

Zhou Yu


	5. Third Death

Dear Zhou Yu,

Not bad. I've another one,you're gonna laugh at it.

* * *

One day,Zhuge Liang invited his friends to his house.

The table was stacked full of mantous. Big ones,small ones and medium ones.

"I want to eat bananas."

"Then peel off the mantou's skin and eat it."

"I want to eat a pizza."

"Flatten the mantous and add the shredded meat pieces onto it."

"If I want to eat steamboat?"

"Cut the mantous into pieces and then put them in boiling water."

"Supposing I want to eat barbequeued food?"

"Poke a stick through the mantou and grill them."

"If I want to eat chicken wings?"

"Use one chopstick and poke the mantou,but don't push until the chopstick can be seen at both ends,or it'll become a _tang hu lu_."

"I want to eat french fries."

"Twist the mantous and fry them."

All the guests didn't want to eat the mantous,so Zhuge Liang had to eat them all. He died of overconsumption.

* * *

So... What d'you think...

Signed,

Sima Yi


	6. Fourth Death

Dear Sima Yi,

You're right. I laughed!!

* * *

"DEAREST!!!!" Yueying's scream echoed through the halls.

Running to his beloved,Zhuge Liang found Yueying looking at a pile of badly bitten shoes.

"The rats! How did they get in- and they ruined our shoes! Now we have to wear slippers!"

"Do not fret,dear. We'll get them fixed in no time."

"You're going to the tanners to fix them?"

"Yes,my dear."

Zhuge Liang arrived at the Tanners Brothers shophouse. Three brothers,to be exact. This was Kongming's first time consulting them.

_Knock knock!_

Three reeking tanners came out...

And overcame a Zhuge Liang.

* * *

Ha,time to put those sayings to our advantage!

三个臭皮匠，赛过诸葛亮。

Signed,

Zhou Yu


	7. Fifth Death

Dear Zhou Yu,

Aha!!!

* * *

As you and others know,Zhuge Liang is never without his trusty fan. This means he is vulnerable to overheating.

One day,Zhuge Liang was in his room. He was fanning himself with that Brilliance fan. (Or was it Distinction?) Anyway,suddenly,a swan walked in.

"Hey you there! I want my feathers back!"

"No."

"Now."

"No."

"It doesn't belong to you."

They quarrelled for half a day.

Finally,the swan snatched the fan and ran.

Zhuge Liang,without his fan,died of heat.

* * *

Signed,

Sima Yi

* * *

Author's note....

Sigh. This,sadly,is the second last chapter. This note is a spoiler you may say. But it's time I embarked on another fanfic. Thank you,readers,who have been reading,and thank you very much for the reviews. Over a hundred visitors and over 200 hits,it's very unexpected.

Once again,I thank you.

The ending will be updated shortly. About 2 days?


	8. The Final Chapter

This is the last chapter for this story. I hoped you all had enjoyed reading the deaths and seeing the annoying strategist die. Bwahahahaha! :))))

* * *

Zhou Yu went to visit Sima Yi's house again to celebrate the five deaths of their rival.

As the saying goes,' Speak of Cao Cao and Cao Cao arrives',Zhuge Liang knocked on the door and gave them a brown package.

"Should we open it?"

"It might explode..."

"Why would he want to blow us up???"

"Fine,whatever,just open it..."

The package did not explode.

Instead,in it were a note and a book.

_Gongjin and Zhongda:_

_Since you both depend on my death everyday to live,I've decided to give you one year._

_- Kongming_

They then looked at the book.

_365 ways to kill a Zhuge Liang_

"How infuriating."

Both strategists coughed out blood and passed out.

* * *

The end! Hope ypu've enjoyed this story... My new fanfic will be out soon... soon...

-Tianyue 天月


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